anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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