it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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