Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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