I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
