I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
