What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
