I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
