i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
