i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize