I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
