Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
