Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
