I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
