could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
