3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
