I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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