A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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