never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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