mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
