Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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