Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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