You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
