Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
