just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So much Jack, so little girl.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
