So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
