Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
