If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am mentally ready for anal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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