He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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