you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
