i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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