That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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