explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize