im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
