I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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