Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
