It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
