My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
