Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
