it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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