Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
