roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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