I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
