i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
