I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
