3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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