I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
