I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
