She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
