Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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