why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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