I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
