john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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