I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize