No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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