I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
