Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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