I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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