I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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