but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
