bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
