I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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