I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Floor bacon is actually really good
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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