this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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