Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
